Letting go and moving on

My father is the eldest of 5 brothers and one sister. As always happens in joint families, my paternal grand mother was defendant on my father for supporting his younger brothers and sister.

My father started earning when he was barely 20. He gave money for brother’s education, marriage, business so on and so forth. My mother also had her own share of struggles. My father built a house in his father’s name so that his brothers would not feel left out. Later my mother forced him to get another plot of land for his own use. I still remember the fights my parents use to have. My father could not hear a word against his family. Anyway my dad later sold that plot. Then, one of my dad’s brother intervened and asked my dad to get a plot in my mother’s name. Needless to say that is the plot of land on which my parents have today built their home.,Around 10 years back there was a huge fight where my dad’s brothers wanted the earlier house which my dad had built. As usual he did not argue and gave it to them at some nominal value. ( As the house was in my grandfather’s name, it was divided into 6 equal portions.. one for each brother).

My dad only started saving after I was born. When I was doing my engineering, I stayed alone with my dad’s brother’s family. My grandparents were also alive then. My dad was then based in the middle east. Then was the first time I saw firsthand how money minded people can be. Those 4 years have left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Today everyone is settled and no one talks to anyone much. My dad now says let them be happy in their home and we will be happy in ours. I somehow am not able to tolerate this. I feel my dad was used ( with his permission). All this has also somewhat affected my relationship with my father. I get angry at him for very small small things. My dad keeps saying forget it… come out of it… I am sorry, I should not have left you with them alone. Somehow I do not know what to do. To be very frank I want some sort of revenge from my dad’s brothers. But then I also know this is not correct and my parents have only themselves to blame. They let themselves be used… Still I am not able to shake out this feeling. It still hurts after 9 years. I would really like to mend my relationship with my father. I want to forget all this. Somehow I am not able to. I need to figure this out.

I am sorry for the long post. This is the first time I have written this and I guess I got carried away.

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Happy Lohri my little one…..

Happy Lohri Gudiya….

You have brought much happiness in our life… Here is wishing you a very very happy Lohri… This is the traditional song we sang yesterday as you gazed at the fire… You got very excited when we reached “Ho” at the end of each line…. Love you dear…. Maybe we can do the same again today.

Sundar Mundriye ho!
Tera kaun vicaharaa ho!
Dullah bhatti walla ho!
Dullhe di dhee vyayae ho!
Ser shakkar payee ho!
Kudi da laal pathaka ho!
Kudi da saalu paatta ho!
Salu kaun samete!
Chache choori kutti! zamidara lutti!
Zamindaar sudhaye!
bade bhole aaye!
Ek bhola reh gaya!
Sipahee far ke lai gaya!
Sipahee ne mari eet!
Sanoo de de lohri te teri jeeve jodi!
Bhaanvey ro te bhaanvey pit!

Maybe a couple of years later… you can join kids as they go around the neighbor hood asking for treats… and if a treat is refused… they sing loudly…

Huka vey Huka.. Eh ghar bookha….

(Oh, Get me a hookah, This house is inhabited by very miserly people)

In fact strike that, I don’t think I will ever be able to allow you to go outside alone. Let me enjoy these moments….

A little bit of history

I thought I would write a bit about myself. I would like to keep this blog totally anonymous but then if its anonymous, I can always talk about myself right :). There is no specific reason to keep it anonymous. Its just more comfortable sharing details that way . This feels more like a journal where I can voice my thoughts without anyone recognizing me.  I am highly introverted that way. I rarely open up. I do have a fairly good friend circle through school, college, post graduation but then I can probably count my close friends on my fingers.

I had a very very happy childhood. Though money was an issue, everything I wanted or desired was provided. I was quite pampered that way. My Mom still says I have not struggled the hard way. Things have been relatively easier for me. When you think of it that way, it is quite true,  I had access to an awesome education, great sports and recreation facilities. I could go swimming, play badminton, study, go shopping etc.

When they were my age, my mother probably spent all her time helping my grand mom or attending the village school whereas my dad searched the neighborhood for odd jobs to supplement the family income. My paternal Grand parents migrated from Lahore, Pakistan. My paternal Grand Father managed to secure a job in the Indian Railways shoving coal.  So money was tight and my father did what he could.

I remember my mother being very cautious with money. I would tag along with her to the grocery store and maybe after 2-3 trips, she would let me buy a small chocolate. I am extremely attached to my parents. So much that I sometimes wonder what W thinks?. I called up my parents every single day on our honeymoon trip. I guess he must have realized then and there what he signed up for. 🙂

I had a very bad time, the first time I was away from home. This was when I secured admission in an engineering college. Now if you throw a stone, it will probably go and hit an engineering college.  Every town has an engineering college in Punjab. But then when I did engineering, I had to stay in a hostel. I will write more about my engineering experiences in the next post. This post has been a mish mash with no structure. Please do excuse me. I just write what comes in my mind and my mind has always been a muddle.

Thanks for reading.

Missed the blogathon

So I missed the blog marathon.. I was sick with viral fever for the last 5 days or so. Frankly, it felt nice to be pampered for some time. The Better Half ( Let’s name him W on this blog) prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner all through my viral fever. As I sit typing this, sipping my cup of chai.. I feel really good.

Nothing much is happening. I am still not losing any weight. I have cut down on rice, ghee, processed foods, sugar. At least I think I have cut down. As it is, I don’t have much sugar.. except for the tea I drink.  W does not like eating out, so most of the time we cook at home. Nothing elaborate, we make simple vegetables, dal and chappatis/rice. W actually cooks quite well so its more like I learn from him. We prepared bitter gourd ( karela) today morning. It tasted quite okay. The last minute recipe hunt finally yielded results.

Another thing is the maps I make. My mom keeps telling me that you keep on making rotis and they will slowly come in shape. Well, it is not happening yet…  There is nothing new on my end. I will write more in the next post. Also, I will post the next post of the fiction story horizons tomorrow.

Forgetting mistakes.

Have you ever made mistakes? have you ever acted in a foolish manner? Have you ever spoken words  you never meant. Well, I have done all that and much more.

A person is known by his words and actions. But what do you do, when your words and actions are both wrong. You know you have done something wrong. You feel that deep sense of guilt. It is as if every second you suffocate for breath. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. There is no point telling you near and dear ones as it will hurt them. Your words and your actions come back to haunt you at weird times. Happy times, family times and suddenly your mind races back to how you acted. The moment is spoiled forever.

I still occasionally read “Enid Blyton”. Her books are “Happy Happy” comfort books. They are perfect for light reading. In the “Faraway Tree” stories a character remarks “The only way you can forget a bad deed is by doing a hundred good deeds. Then also, you will always remember and feel guilty for what you have done. But, you will be able to handle the pain and the guilt”. This is not a verbatim quote but the gist remains the same. Well, I really do not know if a hundred good deeds will help but then maybe it is worth a try, What do you do when you want to forget something?

A letter to my father

Dear Papa

I love you Papa. You know that don’t you. I have said that so many times to you. Mostly, just after we have fought. I get bugged over the silliest of things Papa and I really don’t know why we end up arguing so much.

I do remember all the sacrifices you have made. I will not list them out here because I will probably run out of space.  Things go perfectly well when we speak on the phone. But if we meet, then probably we will end up arguing.

I read somewhere that saying Sorry is not enough. You have to treasure the relationship and ensure useless arguments are ironed out. I will try Papa, try to live up to your high ideals. I will try to not get bugged when things do not go my way. I need to accept randomness. Everything cannot happen just as I wish.

I am sorry Dad and I really love you. I just hope you will be able to actually believe what I am writing some day. I really do mean this. The last time we argued, you mentioned I could never change. I could never control my temper. I hope I can prove you wrong. I hope I have the strength to stick to my resolve.

Love you loads

Take Care Dad 🙂