Letting go and moving on

My father is the eldest of 5 brothers and one sister. As always happens in joint families, my paternal grand mother was defendant on my father for supporting his younger brothers and sister.

My father started earning when he was barely 20. He gave money for brother’s education, marriage, business so on and so forth. My mother also had her own share of struggles. My father built a house in his father’s name so that his brothers would not feel left out. Later my mother forced him to get another plot of land for his own use. I still remember the fights my parents use to have. My father could not hear a word against his family. Anyway my dad later sold that plot. Then, one of my dad’s brother intervened and asked my dad to get a plot in my mother’s name. Needless to say that is the plot of land on which my parents have today built their home.,Around 10 years back there was a huge fight where my dad’s brothers wanted the earlier house which my dad had built. As usual he did not argue and gave it to them at some nominal value. ( As the house was in my grandfather’s name, it was divided into 6 equal portions.. one for each brother).

My dad only started saving after I was born. When I was doing my engineering, I stayed alone with my dad’s brother’s family. My grandparents were also alive then. My dad was then based in the middle east. Then was the first time I saw firsthand how money minded people can be. Those 4 years have left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Today everyone is settled and no one talks to anyone much. My dad now says let them be happy in their home and we will be happy in ours. I somehow am not able to tolerate this. I feel my dad was used ( with his permission). All this has also somewhat affected my relationship with my father. I get angry at him for very small small things. My dad keeps saying forget it… come out of it… I am sorry, I should not have left you with them alone. Somehow I do not know what to do. To be very frank I want some sort of revenge from my dad’s brothers. But then I also know this is not correct and my parents have only themselves to blame. They let themselves be used… Still I am not able to shake out this feeling. It still hurts after 9 years. I would really like to mend my relationship with my father. I want to forget all this. Somehow I am not able to. I need to figure this out.

I am sorry for the long post. This is the first time I have written this and I guess I got carried away.

Things I would like to say to some people

To my Grand Father :- I used to write letters to you in Urdu. That was our special way of sharing jokes, stories. It was a language only we spoke and wrote. Today I don’t feel like reading Urdu anymore. I remember how you used to sit in the veranda and smoke hookah. Recently on a trip to Morocco, I brought a hookah and Mom cried on seeing it. She misses you a lot nannu. She laughs and all of a sudden her eyes fill up. We all miss you nannu. Now, even “bhabhi” has joined you. I bet you are sitting in heaven smoking your hookah and asking bhabhi to get you the Urdu newspaper…

To my best friend in school (T) :- Why did we drift apart? Why did you stop talking all of a sudden? What did I do wrong? I have thought and thought about this. I have let it go now. We grew up together… shared chocolates.. fought for a seat on the bus… grew to be the best of friends. Do you remember how we used to compete for more marks in school? Do you remember the kho kho games we played? Do you remember how the play we did on the school annual day. I still have the cassette. I can still imagine you dancing to back street boys in a saree.  I miss you T. And then one fine day you stopped talking to me. All I can say is …I wish you a very happy life ahead T. ( I went to a All Girls School, T is a female. I don’t know why I am clarifying this here).

To my uncle T who left home 2 years ago and has still not returned :- I still remember the rides on your old scooter. You took me around town when I was searching for an institute to complete my industrial training. Do you remember when you took me shopping? Do you remember I had once asked for a recording of my favorite song. You gave it to me the next day. Chachi later told me you had specially gone to the market in spite of high fever to buy it. Do you remember chachu how you used to get pakoras for all of us cousins? What has changed now? I called you a year back. You picked up my call and said you would call later… No one called. The number does not exist any more. Don’t you miss your children A and Y? Please come home Chachu. 

A little bit of history

I thought I would write a bit about myself. I would like to keep this blog totally anonymous but then if its anonymous, I can always talk about myself right :). There is no specific reason to keep it anonymous. Its just more comfortable sharing details that way . This feels more like a journal where I can voice my thoughts without anyone recognizing me.  I am highly introverted that way. I rarely open up. I do have a fairly good friend circle through school, college, post graduation but then I can probably count my close friends on my fingers.

I had a very very happy childhood. Though money was an issue, everything I wanted or desired was provided. I was quite pampered that way. My Mom still says I have not struggled the hard way. Things have been relatively easier for me. When you think of it that way, it is quite true,  I had access to an awesome education, great sports and recreation facilities. I could go swimming, play badminton, study, go shopping etc.

When they were my age, my mother probably spent all her time helping my grand mom or attending the village school whereas my dad searched the neighborhood for odd jobs to supplement the family income. My paternal Grand parents migrated from Lahore, Pakistan. My paternal Grand Father managed to secure a job in the Indian Railways shoving coal.  So money was tight and my father did what he could.

I remember my mother being very cautious with money. I would tag along with her to the grocery store and maybe after 2-3 trips, she would let me buy a small chocolate. I am extremely attached to my parents. So much that I sometimes wonder what W thinks?. I called up my parents every single day on our honeymoon trip. I guess he must have realized then and there what he signed up for. 🙂

I had a very bad time, the first time I was away from home. This was when I secured admission in an engineering college. Now if you throw a stone, it will probably go and hit an engineering college.  Every town has an engineering college in Punjab. But then when I did engineering, I had to stay in a hostel. I will write more about my engineering experiences in the next post. This post has been a mish mash with no structure. Please do excuse me. I just write what comes in my mind and my mind has always been a muddle.

Thanks for reading.

Missed the blogathon

So I missed the blog marathon.. I was sick with viral fever for the last 5 days or so. Frankly, it felt nice to be pampered for some time. The Better Half ( Let’s name him W on this blog) prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner all through my viral fever. As I sit typing this, sipping my cup of chai.. I feel really good.

Nothing much is happening. I am still not losing any weight. I have cut down on rice, ghee, processed foods, sugar. At least I think I have cut down. As it is, I don’t have much sugar.. except for the tea I drink.  W does not like eating out, so most of the time we cook at home. Nothing elaborate, we make simple vegetables, dal and chappatis/rice. W actually cooks quite well so its more like I learn from him. We prepared bitter gourd ( karela) today morning. It tasted quite okay. The last minute recipe hunt finally yielded results.

Another thing is the maps I make. My mom keeps telling me that you keep on making rotis and they will slowly come in shape. Well, it is not happening yet…  There is nothing new on my end. I will write more in the next post. Also, I will post the next post of the fiction story horizons tomorrow.

Day 2 :- Random facts

I thought it would be interesting if I could collate random facts together

  • Favorite Food :- Yup, everything begins with food for me.. Well, lets see I can have curd anytime of the day. Please do not quote ayurveda and say curd should not be consumed at night. I can consume it all 3 times a day. Apart from that I crave anything teekha and masaledar (or lets say spicy and tangy).
  • Favorite comfort food :- Onion and Tomato chutney with  hot chappatis and curd. I am quite hassle free that way. In fact this was the first dish I cooked after marriage. The chappatis resembled ( and still resemble) maps. Seema… Can you teach me this???
  • Favorite Sport :- Badminton… I played badminton at state level. So, I think I am quite good. But again, I am in no shape and weigh a ton now. My weight loss is going nowhere.
  • Favorite Book :- Well, this keeps changing as I read anything and everything. All my meals are had with a book or a laptop ( if the daughter is asleep). I read blog posts, prescriptions and heaven knows what else. All this apart, my favorite book is “Talking about Jane Austen in Baghdad”. Its witty and humorous. That’s all I need in a book
  • Favorite Pastime :- Currently I eat, breathe, sleep according to Her Majesty “Gudiya’s schedule. But once upon i time I read a lot, swam a lot and played a lot of badminton.
  • Favorite Place :- This has to be the Radhanagar beach, Havelock islands. It was a nice trip with good food thrown in. And I had the Better Half (BH) for company. We keep on saying we will go there again. Let’s see when that happens.

So that’s quite a bit about myself. I promise I will write more in the next post. Also the 2nd part is almost done.  I will post that tomorrow.

Day 1 :- The year that was

2014 … This will always be one of my most precious and beloved years…

1. I spent the first 9 months of the years just immersed in my lovely baby daughter. Yes, it was trying… Yes, it was frustrating at times but then that is life… I look back and miss the time already. Time has just flown by.

2. I got to realize how parents struggle raising a child. The night watches… the endless rocking.. I sure took a lot of things for granted and I am much wiser now.

3. I think this has bonded us more. Now we have ‘Gudiya’ to talk about. Gudiya has the Better Half wrapped around her little finger.

4. I have started looking for work from home options or freelance writing. Not that I have many options coming my way but I dream I wish and I bug the Better half.

5. I made a couple of new friends. Lets see how the friendships run over the course to the new year.

Wishing you all a very happy new year. Lets hope I post something better tomorrow.

Forgetting mistakes.

Have you ever made mistakes? have you ever acted in a foolish manner? Have you ever spoken words  you never meant. Well, I have done all that and much more.

A person is known by his words and actions. But what do you do, when your words and actions are both wrong. You know you have done something wrong. You feel that deep sense of guilt. It is as if every second you suffocate for breath. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. There is no point telling you near and dear ones as it will hurt them. Your words and your actions come back to haunt you at weird times. Happy times, family times and suddenly your mind races back to how you acted. The moment is spoiled forever.

I still occasionally read “Enid Blyton”. Her books are “Happy Happy” comfort books. They are perfect for light reading. In the “Faraway Tree” stories a character remarks “The only way you can forget a bad deed is by doing a hundred good deeds. Then also, you will always remember and feel guilty for what you have done. But, you will be able to handle the pain and the guilt”. This is not a verbatim quote but the gist remains the same. Well, I really do not know if a hundred good deeds will help but then maybe it is worth a try, What do you do when you want to forget something?

A letter to my father

Dear Papa

I love you Papa. You know that don’t you. I have said that so many times to you. Mostly, just after we have fought. I get bugged over the silliest of things Papa and I really don’t know why we end up arguing so much.

I do remember all the sacrifices you have made. I will not list them out here because I will probably run out of space.  Things go perfectly well when we speak on the phone. But if we meet, then probably we will end up arguing.

I read somewhere that saying Sorry is not enough. You have to treasure the relationship and ensure useless arguments are ironed out. I will try Papa, try to live up to your high ideals. I will try to not get bugged when things do not go my way. I need to accept randomness. Everything cannot happen just as I wish.

I am sorry Dad and I really love you. I just hope you will be able to actually believe what I am writing some day. I really do mean this. The last time we argued, you mentioned I could never change. I could never control my temper. I hope I can prove you wrong. I hope I have the strength to stick to my resolve.

Love you loads

Take Care Dad 🙂

Thakur Ji

Many north Indian families follow a custom of keeping “Thakur ji” at home. Thakur ji is basically a small idol of baby krishna. The baby krishna is kept on a small swing or jhoola in the day time and on a small bed at night time.

This is basically a means to show devotion or complete surrender to baby krishna. Customs differ from family to family. Some families just keep the Thakur ji and do daily seva i.e. prayer or worship. Others keep Thakur ji with strict rules like no non-veg or onions/garlic usage in the house. Some also follow daily customs of feeding baby krishna milk/curd/ghee.

All these are basically rituals done out of love or devotion to baby krishna. Some families follow the same customs but do the same with a photograph of baby Krishna.

This is definitely an interesting custom and shows how in India, religion has permeated our day to day life.